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$1700 / 2br - ***Voted Best F*ckin 2 Bedroom Loft EVER!** (West Loop Playaz!)
Reply to: hous-ncxwb-1084236662@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-03-20, 4:10PM CDT


417 South Jefferson (Available April 1st)
***Voted Best F*ckin 2 Bedroom Loft EVER!***

• That’s right! This Bad Boy is F’ck’n Awesome. Kind of place Brett Michaels would stay if he wasn’t banging chics on his Rock of Love bus, singin’ his crappy new music! He told me so himself.

• Open Air, 14 Foot Ceilings you can play a full court basketball game with you and your homies against the loser Detroit Pistons. In case you want to out do Octo-Mom, you can have Nine rug rats here too. Plenty-o-room

• Exposed Original Brick & Timber. Kind of crap that these lazy builders don’t make anymore. The good stuff. Go ahead live in a place without it. Your life will stink and you will die sad ’cuz you didn’t live the good life.

• Wood Floors everywhere with Carpet in the Bedrooms. No one wants to do it on wood floors. Carpet burn is the only burn. Anything else is a rash and you should probably go see a doctor.

• Make Chef Ramsey your bitch. You Donkey! Bad Ass Kitchen, Granite Counter Tops that can take a direct blow from a ninja sword w/ 42” Cabinets, Double Sink you can leave hundreds of dishes in & Kitchen Island for slaughtering a goat or change one of your octo-babies, gross.

• 2 Bathrooms! Double vanity so your lover or lovers can keep all their bathroom crap on & Soaker Tub in Master Bath big enough for a WWE wrestler, 3 strippers or 20 babies.

• Gas Fire Place, ‘cuz trying to start a real fire is hard when you’re on a Jack Daniel’s bender or ‘shrooms.

• Laundry mats are for losers! Hey, let me take an afternoon to go to the laundromat! Or maybe I’ll go to some dingy basement where my pervert neighbors can rifle through my wife’s panties. Washer/Dryer in is in the unit.

• Fridge big enough for all your leftovers you’ll be cooking with your huge bad ass kitchen. An Ice Maker ‘cuz driving for bags of ice when you’re throwing down a pajama jammy jam sucks. Gas Stove! Throw away that easy bake oven you’ve been savin since the 4th grade! Over-the-range Microwave and a Dishwasher that doesn’t need a pre-nup or constantly nag.

• Lots of Closets for all your fake fur coats, pimp ‘n ho outfits & Private Storage locker incase you find a buncha TV’s that fell of the back of a truck.

• Juliette Balcony for cigarette tossing or planting crap.

• Super bad ass Rooftop Deck. You can go rooftop to rooftop Batman II style and rob banks! No shit, really, that stuff was shot around the corner.

• Pump iron 70’s style in the Schwartzenegger Fitness Center. All you need is a poster of Arnold himself and you are ready to rock. Well that and the ‘roids kinda help too.

• Bike Room! Be one of those people that ride bikes all year round! It’s snowing, who cares! It’s raining, I like to look like I just got to work with a crap stain up my but from the rear tire! That’s awesome to me!

• Secure Building! Super ninjas with laser guns are patrolling the halls to save your sorry ass. Pet Friendly! Why stop a 1 cat when you can have 20! Besides, who else is going too love you when they find you face down in a pile of cat feces?

• Across the street from the Blue Line, 90/94, 290, Union Station so all your dip shit friends that live in the the burbs or Alabama can come over and BASK in YOUR GLORY ‘cuz you live in the greatest city in the world!

Rent, a mere: $1,700/mo

Parking, Don’t give your money to privatized meters that these rat bastard politicians sold: $150/mo

”
Man Fights Kangaroo and Wins

I’m very sorry that all my recent posts have been about dogs. I live in dog world now. This one, however, is pretty hilarious.

Pets Who Want to Kill Themselves

Alter Ego Devo - The Demise

theamoeba:

Devo met a dude this weekend while we were at The Crocodile dancing the night away. A couple of things:

  • For the purpose of anonymity we will call him call him “B-RAD” (because that is his name and anonymity just isn’t observed by moi)
  • He is a freelance editor
  • I believe her words to describe him were “unemployed hipster with a beard”

Now B-RAD called Devo this evening and left her a voicemail wanting to see if they could get together this weekend because he had a great time “hanging out” with her (aka making out with Alter Ego Devo) and dancing. Some more bullets because I like using them:

  • B-RAD waited a whopping 40 hours to call. Meaning he’s digging her a decent bit. In Devo world that’s like, 2.5 days too soon + she doesn’t know why she gave him her number in the first place because she just wanted to make out with the dude, not go on a date
  • She keeps emphasizing his unemployment - I say he has a zest for life AND I told her he would be able to go on vacation at the drop of hat because he wouldn’t have to tell anyone about it. Note: I never said WHERE the vacation could take place (See: Lincoln Park Zoo)
  • Alter Ego Devo has a history of making out with hilarious dudes at the bar - (cite: Devo and the infamous Irish Jew circa Jan. 2008 @ Kincades)

In conclusion, Devo doesn’t want to go on a date with B-RAD because he was just supposed to be a make out disaster that she forgot about come today, however, he wants to hold her hand, make babies, and live happily ever after. Hazaa!

  • My thoughts… Devo is sabotaging a possible relationship with future Mr. Devo
  • I also think B-RAD should get a sun dial because he clearly doesn’t know what day of the week it is due to his lack of employment
Devon, you’re going to run out of bars to go to. I mean, you won’t go to Kincade’s anymore…

Kittens Inspired by Kittens

If this doesn’t make you sprint to Arby’s for the 5 for $5.99 deal, I don’t know what will.

If this doesn’t make you sprint to Arby’s for the 5 for $5.99 deal, I don’t know what will.


allflashnocash: If we get one of these in my office, I’m never ever leaving. OMFG I am in love.

allflashnocash:

If we get one of these in my office, I’m never ever leaving.

OMFG I am in love.


Michigan Avenue’s finest

Michigan Avenue’s finest


I made an 8x8 pan full of brownies this evening - because I didn't have any other forms of chocolate in my apartment...

theamoeba:

I need to do one of two things:

A. Stop baking for just myself

B. Get a pet that can eat chocolate with me

NOTE TO SELF: Do not let Meghan near my cat. Or the animal shelter.